Soccer in the Twilight Zone
by manunitedfan
Summary: Bella holds a competition, and whoever wins it, gets to be her boyfriend. It's Jacob and the pack vs. Edward and the vampires. What is the competition? To play a game of soccer, scoring the most goals. This should be interesting...
1. Reading Gossip Magazines

Bella was bored. She had absolutely nothing to do. Charlie was out at work. Jacob was busy fixing up his Rabbit, and though he asked Bella if she would stay, she simply found vehicles too boring for words. Edward was busy out hunting with his adopted family. He hadn't kissed her goodbye, his eyes a blackish- brown mix. He simply said her scent was getting stronger, and had left by jumping out the window.

'Does he always have to do that?' she thought, as she watched his effortless landing,and his hyper speed departure. As soon as she was gone, Bella rolled onto her bed with a sigh. Rain began to patter on the roof, and she pulled the window shut. She picked up a magazine, dropped onto the floor and slightly crumpled, and began to read. The boyfriend advice column was always a great laugh for her, as she imagined situations with Edward and Jacob. Flicking through the glossy pages absentmindedly, she found the section.

Top boyfriend tips and hints from our relationships counselor, Janice Heston

Dear Janice

I'm afraid my boyfriend is finding me boring to talk to now, and merely grunts whenever I try to make conversation. What should I talk to him about, as this issue is threatening our relationship.

Anxious, Los Angeles.

Dear Anxious

Talk to him about the things that he likes. Boys love to talk about themselves, and soon you'll find out his personal likes. Bringing the subject up often is a definite ice-breaker, and soon your conservations will develop. If he doesn't want to talk about himself, talk about sports boys typically like, e.g. soccer, baseball, American football.

Bella frowned slightly at this piece of advice. None of her boyfriends liked sport all that much, as far as she was concerned. She'd never seen them playing any sports. Maybe they both needed to get a little more... active, she thought. With an evil smile, she closed the magazine, and picked up the phone.

'Hi, Quil here.'

Hi, Quil, can I talk to Jacob for a second?'

'Sure.'

Bella heard Quil hollering Jacob's name, and the pad of Jacob's feet on the floor. She's gotten so used to hearing that steady, almost rhythmic sound when she was around Jacob. She could even pick it out on the telephone now.

'Hey Bella, Jacob here.'

'Hi Jake. Listen... have you played soccer much in the past?'

'Uh... a little. Why?'

'Oh, you'll see. Would you and the pack be free on Sunday evening? In the woods, you know that little meadow you saw Laurent in?'

'You mean that bloodsucker who attacked you? Yeah, Bells, I know. Just what exactly are you planning?'

'It's a surprise.' Bella giggled mischievously, wished him good luck with repairing the Rabbit, and put the phone down. After phoning Edward, telling him to bring his family to the field, she bought a soccer ball online.

She sighed with pleasure to herself, when the ball was delivered the next day, charged on her account. 'This is going to be so much fun.'

Sunday

A few hours before the meet, Bella took a bucket of white paint and wonkily marked out pitch lined on the field. The goals were made with two sticks, sharpened and pushed into the ground. A third stick was balanced through the slot in the other two, and amazingly, they stood up by themselves. Bella sighed with content. It was a pleasant day, for Forks. It was not long afterwards that she heard the crunch of heavy footsteps on the meadow, and she looked up to see Edward standing over her

'Bella, what's this all about?'

Bella smiled, mock shielding her eyes from the sun with her hand. Edward was wearing casual clothes, yet underneath, she knew his skin was sparkling in the little sunlight. His family was behind him, and though Bella had never seen them sparkle before, she waited till the sun went under a cloud before looking their way. She pointed to the pitch markings painted in front of her, and as the vampires turned their head in that direction, Emmet boomed 'Is that a soccer pitch?'

'Yeah.' Bella replied, looking quizzically at Emmet. He was beaming all over his face. 'Are we playing soccer?' Alice asked, her pixie face puzzled.


	2. Edward and Jacob are Similar Sometimes!

Bella took another glance at the vampire family; Edward, Carlisle, and Rosalie were frowning. Jasper, Emmet, and Alice looked like little kids on Christmas Day.

'Soccer?! Ew. It'll totally mess up my hair!' Rosalie said incredulously. Jasper gave her a look. 'Rosey, I'll make sure it doesn't. Soccer is fun!' he coaxed. Rosalie scowled, knowing Jasper was manipulating her feelings. After fighting the tide of Jasper's power briefly, she sighed, and resignedly picked up a ball.

Alice was practically jigging up and down by down with hyperactive energy. 'This is going to be fun! Maybe it'll even be better than baseball, guys! I mean, we can play it without thunderstorms! And we can so go shopping for soccer kits!'

Alice's brain focused on one thing primarily, Bella thought- shopping. Emmet had already dribbled a ball away, and was running up and down the pitch with it at his feet, chuckling to himself.

Carlisle sighed. 'I suppose I have to play as well. My experiences of soccer are nothing more but kicking a pig's bladder down the street.'

After meeting horrified gazes from Bella and Edward, he grinned sheepishly. 'What? That's what they used back then.'

Edward shook his head in disgust, and then turned to Bella. 'So, if we're going to be playing soccer, do we play against ourselves? You haven't even told us why we're here yet.'

With perfect timing, Bella turned to look at the forest beyond, and saw Jacob and the pack emerge out of it. Jacob looked worried, until he saw the vampires. His lip curled into a sneer, watching the vampires cautiously. Behind him, the pack adopted defensive positions, glaring all the while at the Cullens.

'Surprise!' Bella giggled, only to find nobody was laughing. Her smile faded from her face once she saw the werewolves facing off the vampires. Edward's face was like thunder, for once similar with Jacob's.

'Why did you invite the blood-suckers here, Bella?' Jacob growled, looking like he was having a hard time convincing himself not to turn wolf.

'Why did you ask the mongrels here, Bella?' Edward spat out each word in turn, his pale fists clenched.

Bella smiled slightly. 'You know, sometimes you two are so similar.'

After angry glares from both werewolf and vampire, Bella sighed. 'Okay. Well, you two are always debating over who would be my boyfriend, so I decided a competition would be nice to settle the debate. It's a game of soccer, no explanation needed. If Jacob wins, I go with him and become his…' She waved a hand absently. 'imprinted. If Edward wins, I go with him and stay with his family, maybe becoming a vampire.'

There was an eerie silence, and then Quil spoke up. 'Seems fair to me.'

'Yeah, we can play for Bella- and Jacob.' agreed Embry,

Bella looked at the vampires, silent and inconclusive. Surprisingly, it was Carlisle that spoke up. 'If either team injure each other, can I treat them?'

'No way.' Sam growled. 'I am not leaving my pack in the hands of a blood drinker. Paul can look after my injured, if need be.'

Paul nodded. Carlisle turned to the vampires. 'Edward, unless we do this, your girlfriend's going to be in the hands of those dogs. Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, Emmet, unless we do this, Edward won't have another reason to be here. Right, Edward?'

Edward frowned, and was about to butt in, before Carlisle started talking again. 'We know we can beat them. So let's go!'

Bella smiled again. The werewolves had already picked a starting five- Jacob (of course, Bella thought), Seth, Quil, Embry, and Sam. Jared crouched on the sideline as a substitute, warming up. The vampire's five-a-side seemed to be Edward, Alice, Jasper, Emmet, and Rosalie. Carlisle was also the substitute, as well as the doctor. The Cullens were warming up, by running distances at impossible speeds, back and forth. The werewolves were doing push-ups and stretches.

Bella unhooked a referee's whistle from round her neck. Before she blew it, she allowed herself a quite smile of satisfaction.

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	3. Don't you get what a Whistle means?

As Bella blew the whistle, pumping out all her breath for a shrill peep, heads turned. She pointed at the halfway line and whistled again. Both teams stared at her with an epitome of confusion. Bella sighed with exasperation, and marched down to the halfway line, holding the ball. She plonked it down on the dewy grass, and blew her whistle one more time.

This time they got it, and casually strolled to her, both teams keeping an eye on the other. 'Kickoff.' Bella announced, and put one foot on the ball. Unfortunately, the wet dew was slippery against her shoe, and she stumbled over the ball. Edward pulled her upright, and Jacob hissed with rage. 'Keep your blood-craving hands off my girlfriend!'

'I am neither of you guy's girlfriend just yet, until we kickoff!' Bella argued, standing away from the ball this time. 'Now, who wants first kick?'

Both raised hands, and Bella sighed. 'Right. Eenie- meenie-minee-mo…'

After leaving the vampires with the benefit of the choice, Bella found a tree stump to sit on, and awkwardly positioned her bum on it, for it was wet. She blew her whistle to announce kickoff, and the game started.

Alice took the ball first, effortlessly sprinting it down the wing. Quil stood in her way, and his body blocked her way to the goal. Alice held her breath, and ran straight towards him. His werewolf scent was almost making her gag.

Unfortunately, Alice ran straight into Quil, banging her pixie face into his tough chest muscle. She slipped and fell, allowing him to take the ball, and pass it up to Sam. The pack alpha caught the high pass on his knee, its rebound almost hitting him in the head. He masterfully swerved round Rosalie, who stood still, petrified of getting muddy. He looked up, seeing the goalmouth in front of him, and decided to put a strike into the top corner of the left side of the goal.

He struck his foot against the ball, and as it circled over everyone's heads, it seemed impossible that anyone could get it. Suddenly, Edward appeared out of nowhere, leaping gracefully to head the ball into touch. As the ball splatted against his head, his dark copper hair was given a coating of grass clippings and mud. Rosalie cast him a reproachful look, and Sam screwed up his face in disgust. 'Stupid mind-reader.' He muttered to himself.

Seth took the throw for the werewolves, and grasped the slippery ball uncomfortably. He didn't like the thought it had been on a vampire's head seconds before. After lobbing the ball into the midst of the teams, a brief tussle gave Jacob the ball. He controlled the ball on his chest, dropping it onto his knee, and keeping it in the air. Emmet came hurtling towards him with the force of a truck, and Jacob stood watching him charge. At the last second, he stepped to one side, and Emmet tripped over with his own speed. His face plunged into the dew, and Jacob skipped away, still with the ball on his knees. He laughed out loud when he saw Emmet attempting to lever himself from the ground, the grass flattened with the shape of his body.

Now he had trouble, with Alice and Jasper tailing him. Alice's pixie face was full of fury. After slamming into Quil, she had run around shrieking before making an attempt to clean her face with a water bottle.

Jacob desperately looked to pass, but Jasper neatly took the ball from between his legs. He hadn't realized Seth was behind him. Jasper turned to take the ball, and was straight-on with Seth.

'Boo.' Seth said, taking the ball from him with a block tackle. Jasper chased after him, but Seth took the ball neatly into the box. He looked up, and saw Edward coming down on him. He thought desperately _bottom right corner, bottom right corner_.

Edward hesitated, confused. The werewolf's thoughts were directing to shoot at the bottom right corner. Yet Seth was coming up the left wing. He decided to trust his vampire powers, and moving to block the bottom right, he half-shuffled to position.

He was just in time to get the front-row seats to see Seth smashing the ball into the bottom left corner.


	4. Fashion With Jane

Edward unhappily watched Seth celebrating, leaping about like a demented monkey and hi-fiving his team. All the other vampires were stony-faced. Carlisle was yelling encouragements, but they fell on deaf ears. Edward was too distraught to listen.

He hung his head in despair and sighed. He never knew why he had agreed to this competition, it had seemed like a good idea at the time. He realized the time had only been about half an hour ago. It seemed so far away and distant.

He put his foot on the ball, trying not to give it away that he was mortified. He held his head a bit higher, and then realized what everyone else was looking at.

Sitting in the shady glen, were four shady figures. They wore robes with hoods, their faces hidden. The only things that were visible were their pale hands, hanging out of their loose robes. The pack was outraged. Playing against a team of vampires was bad enough, but vampire spectators? Paul stepped forward, growling from deep in the back of his throat, sounding quite fearsome.

The Cullens stood still. They knew who the hooded figures were, and what's more, they knew what they were capable of. They also knew that if Paul was going to try and attack them, he was going to get seriously hurt.

Bu they didn't let on, because hey, Paul was only a werewolf, and what did a werewolf's injury mean to them?  
The nearest hooded figure raised its head, and acknowledged Paul with a nod. Paul was furious. Not only were they vampires, they were arrogant vampires. 'Get out of here.' He snarled.

'We are here to watch the game, and we do not want to leave. It is an awful long way from Italy to Washington. At least allow us some rest.'

Now everyone knew who they were, apart from Paul. Deaf from anger, he only heard 'we do not want to leave.'

'If I were you, I'd leave before somebody gets hurt.' He sneered.

The second hooded figure stepped forward. 'Listen, dog. We are the Volturi, and we're not scared of some werewolf pup. And we've been called here by someone as well. About two days ago, telling us to be in the meadow today. Any ideas?'

Heads turned towards Bella. She smiled guiltily. 'What? Some spectators…'

'How did you get the Volturi's number?' Jasper asked.

'There's a thing called the Italian phone book. They were under Cult, Volturi.' Bella replied.

'And how did the Volturi run Trans-Atlantic?' Alice questioned.

'Duh.' The second hooded figure said. 'We booked a flight on American Airlines. It's impossible to run on water!'

'And the flights are non-refundable.' Added the third, speaking up for the first time.

'Whatever. You're still not welcome here. Go and have a tour in Washington, find a better way to spend your holiday here. Go.' Paul growled, his fists clenched.

The second figure (who Bella guessed was Jane.) folded her arms. 'Say please.'

And with that, Paul exploded into a wolf, his paws going for Jane's throat, fangs stretched out.

She stepped backwards, mouth open in a wide O, as Paul fell downwards. Bella screamed with horror, and the pack moved in to grab Paul away. But it was too late, as Paul landed; he tried to rip at Jane with his canine muzzle. Jane moved quickly away, and all his fangs touched were her cloth robes, which tore away. Jane was left standing with what looked suspiciously like a mini-skirt, while Paul tumbled to a stop in the dirt.

Jane was scarlet with embarrassment, while the other cloaked figures broke into hearty laughter. Alice strolled up to her, with the eye of a practiced fashonista. 'Wow! Check you! You should totally wear skirts like that more often. It makes you look, like, about a century younger!'

Jane beamed, flaming cheeks paling once more. 'You think? I've tried certain styles in the mirror, but never this. I find that cloth robes just don't go with pale skin and blonde hair. Too plain.'

'Absolutely.' Alice agreed. 'The Volturi should so re-design their uniform. I think a nice floral pattern would be just right- and I think it would match your eyes too. A nice satin maybe… how about we go shopping and find some great bargains- I know a fantastic store where you can get that stuff…'

By now, Paul had changed back, breathing heavily through the effort. Jacob threw him a spare T-shirt and jeans, and he gratefully put them on behind the privacy of a bush. Bella blew the whistle again, pointing to the centre half, and everyone trudged to position. Alice and Jane were chattering about fashion, and it took Bella several whistle blows to get their attention back to the square. The Volturi had been forgiven for now, and they squatted on the grassy bank, the werewolves regarded them with a careful eye. The Cullens were determined to win the match, and they made that clear.

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	5. Messing With Eddie

The vampires kicked off again. Emmet was the striker, his pale face twisted into an expression not unlike that of Wayne Rooney. He blasted the ball down the line, dribbling it powerfully on his right foot. Rosalie timidly ran up the right wing opposite him, skirting any signs of dirt or mud. Alice sighed, watching her. 'She's never going to get it that mud isn't a poisonous disease, is she?' she asked Edward. Edward smirked slightly, through his pain. 'Nope.'

Embry charged up at Emmet, blocking the big vampire, anticipating his moves. Annoyed, Emmet looked down, still maneuvering the ball between his Chuck-cladded feet. He dummied to the left, but Embry followed him. Emmet rolled his eyes. He was exasperated with the werewolves' antics. He ran straight at Embry, then at the last moment, hooked the ball onto his foot and shot. The ball arced through the air, everyone's eyes going with it. Sam jumped in a desperate attempt to header it, instead missing and landing ungracefully on his bum. The ball blasted past his ear, heading straight for the goal. Too late to react, too early to mourn, the werewolves could only watch.

Instead of bending gracefully to the net, the ball pounded on with its airborne journey. It hit the crossbar with tremendous force, and the crunch of leather against wood was heard to all. The goal tipped backwards, the crossbar cracked in two. Before anyone could assess the damage, Bella ran on with a roll of duct tape in her hands. Holding the damaged bar, she carefully wound it round the piece of wood, then re-positioned the bar on the posts. She put her hands on her hips and smiled at the assembled teams. 'There ain't nothing that duct tape can't do!'

The teams glared at her for using the familiar phrase, and Sam grabbed the ball. He was seething over his dramatic fall. He could have sworn that he heard Quil giggling. He took the ball, as a rush goalie, and kicked the ball far out midfield. It was picked up by Jacob, who led the tirades against the defense. Dribbling the ball up and down, he passed, trapped, headered, and did everything he could think to help. Whenever he felt tired, he saw Bella, sitting there on the sidelines, and he felt warm and fuzzy all over. _Oh, the irony_, Jacob thought, as he plunged into yet another tackle. _I'm basically a warm fuzzy machine, to be a werewolf, and I feel like this now_?

Suddenly, Quil broke out of the struggle for the ball, and took it down the centre half, with only Edward in his way. He knew Edward was a mind-reader, as he had heard Jacob tell many times that the vampires had strange and horrible abilities. Quil's black hair was ruffled in the wind, annoyed; he put a hand on his head. Edward was still coming towards him, and suddenly he knew a way to beat him.

Quil waved his foot over the ball like a wand, daring Edward to come closer. Edward stopped, his eyes tracking the movement. Quil knew he was delving into his mind, trying to find out which way he was going to move. But, in his head, Quil conjured up one single image, and thought about nothing else but that image.

Edward stood still, and his eyes widened. He was horrified, and took a step backwards, stumbling over as he went. Quil nipped past him, but was soon tackled by Alice, and the ball was put to a goal-kick for the vampires. Jacob stood next to Quil, and looked at him, bemused.

'Why'd that blood-sucker trip next to you, Quil? You push him or something? I didn't see it, but job well done if you did. The more we push these blood-thirsty maniacs around, the more scared they'll get.'

Quil laughed at Jacob's blunt view of the game. 'Nah, Jake. Y'know how you told us how the vampires have weird powers?'

'Yeah, but what's that got to do with shoving one over? Especially as he's the one that broke Bella's heart. If I get him, I swear…'

'Well, you told me this one was able to mind-read right? Well, he was trying to see where I was going to go, so I just thought of one thing. And that was…'

Quil leaned up, and muttered into Jacob's ear 'I pictured myself nude!'

Both werewolves' dissolved into laughter, while Alice cradled the ball under her arm, staring at Quil and Jacob's hysterics, in turn to Edward's mortified face. She put her head onto one side, still looking at Edward. 'What did they do this time, Eddie-boy?'

He was so shocked he didn't even hear the much-hated nickname. His mouth hung open, his eyes were horrified.

'Horrible…horrible picture… image in head… bad.' Edward managed, blinking hard and shaking his head in an attempt to block out the picture. Alice furrowed her brow. 'Okay, they've obviously been messing with your head, since of your eloquent speech. Well, I say we fight back. We need someone to mess with _their _heads!'

Alice turned on her heel, leaving Edward semi-spazzing on the sideline. 'Jaspy' she called sweetly, batting her eyelashes innocently. Jasper looked at her, raising his eyebrows questioningly.

Alice leaned over and whispered into his ear. Now his eyes widened, and a grin broke out on his face. He nodded vigorously, his face a picture of glee. Jasper rubbed his hands together, in a typical evil gesture. The werewolves had gotten over their laughter, and so pointed at the center-half to begin. Alice was present to kick off, winking inconspicuously at Jasper. He nodded, and quietly said to himself 'Well, this should be fun.'

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	6. Quil is like Popcorn

'_It's 1-0 in the highly-anticipated match between Cullens United and Werewolf Pack FC.__ After a short-range stunner from Seth for the Pack, the wolves are in the lead, as vampires struggle to composure their reign. The Cullens have tried desperately to fight back, with their hot-shot striker Emmet making a real effort to win the game for the vampires. And now it's goal kick for the Cullens, with Alice running up to take the shot. The crowd of Volturi cheer her on… well, at least one does. She strikes down the wing, to Edward…'_

'SHUT UP BELLA!' shouted the teams from the pitch, agreeing on something for once. Bella blinked, zapping out of her match commentary. She hadn't noticed what had been happening, instead mimicking _Match of the Day. _'Sorry!' she called down the pitch to the annoyed groups. 'Didn't realize.'

Everyone sighed in harmony, along with a bit of head-shaking from the werewolves. Alice and Jasper were wearing identical evil grins, while Edward watched them with slight suspicion. Sure, the werewolves deserved what they were about to get. But you had to watch it with those two. Edward grimaced, remembering the time at Christmas. They had all been sat around the tree, as following tradition. Jasper had got extremely hyped up, and ran around causing mayhem with everyone's feelings. Emmet had fallen in love with the wrapping paper, Edward was depressed for the afternoon, and Esme and Carlisle had had a "seven-year-olds moment" which they deigned not to talk about. Alice had also gone crazy, and told Rosalie she had seen Jasper dumping her in the near future. Rosalie had reacted violently, and had repeatedly whacked Jasper over the head with a pillow, chasing him round the house.

Now Alice and Jasper were getting more and more hyper by the second, and that only meant one word- trouble. Edward would have warned the werewolves… but hey… it'd be funny to see the supernatural powers pranking someone else. He smiled, conveniently burning the disgusting image out of his memory. Now the dogs would have their share ofunfortunate experiences with super-powered vampires.

Edward passed the ball up to Rosalie. She nearly tripped, steadied herself, and clumsily footed the ball to Emmet. Alice and Jasper hung behind, seeking an opportunity for mayhem.

They found it. Emmet was tackled, as Seth slipped the ball easily into touch. Jasper ran forward for Emmet to throw, and was immediately marked by Quil. Jasper smirked slightly to himself, and then closed his eyes slightly. He concentrated on Quil, and his current feelings. Slowly, emotions slipped into his head, and he felt Quil's presence out of everyone on the pitch. He thought of how Quil was feeling, and how he wanted him to feel. Jasper demanded the emotions at his fingertips, and then judged Quil's presence. Just like email, he sent the messages through, after finding his connection with the network. With perfect timing, Emmet chucked the ball at Alice's head, and she controlled it perfectly. She looked behind at Jasper for a second, and at vampire speed, he gave a quick thumbs up, before concentrating on his work.

Jasper always thought as people's heads as computers. They had memory, files of information, and emoticons. Yes, emoticons. Jasper always saw how people were feeling mentally in little images. Then he'd press his power to work until the icon changed. Put it this way. He was an expert hacker, and people's emotions were his resident expertise. Jasper was happily flicking through Quil's emoticons, deciding on which one. He could tell Quil was a bit annoyed at having to play with vampires, but otherwise happy. Jasper thought of an image, then pushed it into Quil's brain. After watching the icon change, Jasper smirked, and increased the voltage of emotion. He decided to find another victim, but watched as Quil's expression slowly changed.

Quil sprinted for the ball, but after Jacob getting there first, he took a break from attacking. Instead, he jogged around the outside of the tussle for the ball, seeking a chance. He moved back to give space, and then halted. He felt a bit cross. Why should he play with vampires? It wasn't his decision. Conveniently forgetting he had supported the argument, he felt furious with Jacob and Sam. Why did we have to do this for Jacob's girlfriend? It wasn't fair. None of the other members of the pack would play for his girlfriend, if he had one. And why should Sam be alpha? Quil thought he could do a much better job. Sam was too selfish, always wanting alone time with Emily. And what about that vampire over there, staring at him? Was he looking for a fight? Well, he'd get one. Quil took a step towards Jasper, staggering slightly as the wave of emotion pushed into his head. Jasper sighed with evil pleasure, as the vampires obtained a corner. Edward lined up to take it, with the teams quiet and still. Everything was perfect, Jasper thought, and as Alice rushed up next to him, he increased the pressure one last time.

Both teams leaned in to see the corner-kicker, and as they did so, Edward positioned himself over the ball. He judged the direction, and the angle. About to execute the move, he stopped halfway. A werewolf had randomly exploded, showering scraps of trainers and jeans over everyone. Alice gasped, and Jasper muttered 'Popcorn' happily. A chocolate-brown wolf stood over everyone, growling deeply. Edward had to smile. _Jasper must have got to him,_ he thought. _Serves him right_.

Quil was confused. He had felt all this anger, had gone wolf, but suddenly all the emotion was gone. It felt like it had all been sucked out of him. He cocked his head onto one side, still in wolf form, but wondering what the heck had happened. He whined slightly, and then felt an overwhelming desire to sleep. He struggled slightly, blinking hard and shaking his head, but it was no use. His head nodded down to his furry chest, and he curled up into a ball, his tail wrapped around his giant body.

Open-mouthed, everyone stared at Quil's slumbering body. The werewolf pack was horrified.

Jacob was extremely puzzled, but all became clear when he saw the vampires leaping about, hi-fiving each other. They patted Jasper on the back, and laughed hysterically when Quil let out an enormous snore. Soon enough, he changed back, and was hidden behind the same bush Paul had changed behind. Jacob was furious. He'd tried desperately to wake Quil up, but he had just muttered 'Llama karma' and gone back to sleep.

Surprising everyone, Quil suddenly sat up, his eyes wide and staring. 'Wha… what happened?' he asked Paul, who was standing to administer clothes. Paul shook his head. 'Vampires been messing with ya, dude.' He replied, tossing him the clothes. Quil hurriedly pulled on some trackies and a T-shirt, and stepped back out to continue the game. The werewolves had been humiliated, and now they were mad. Vey very mad…


	7. Bella Needs Candy

'Bella was bored yet again. Fifty-five minutes had passed in the game, and she was finding it hard to concentrate on refereeing. It was such a boring game, she thought: especially if you weren't playing it. The pack and Cullens seemed perfectly happy running up and down, a tackle there, a dribble here. This was another reason why Bella could not understand normal human girls. Why would you go along to your boyfriend's football game, when all you wanted to see was him looking hot? I mean, him running up and down seemed a pretty uninteresting spectacle. She fished in the pockets of her hooded jacket, and successfully retrieved her iPod from the tangle of stuff she kept in her pockets. Switching it on, she happily began humming to Taylor Swift, tapping her foot against the moist ground.

_I don't think that passenger seat_

_Has ever looked so good to me_

_He tells me about his night_

_And I count the colors in his eyes_

Bella frowned at this. She hoped Taylor Swift wasn't talking about a vampire boyfriend here, or she might have a serious problem. Edward's eyes were usually like honeyed amber, sometimes a blackish brown when he needed to hunt. Jacob's eyes were the darkest shade of brown she'd ever seen, almost like a piece of burnt wood. Neither of them varied in colors that much, perhaps because different colored eyes were purely for the mortals.

Bella tried to focus on the music, but suddenly her stomach complained against its unjust starvation. She put her hand on her stomach to try and shush it, but still it grumbled. Looking at the game, Bella realized that the game didn't really need her referring. In fact, she was in desperate need of a snack food machine. She stood up from the water-logged tree stump, and after stretching a bit for her stiff legs, set off on her quest for snack bars.

Alice dribbled the ball down the line, expertly turning it at the last minute tackles. She swerved into the open, and neatly passed to Rosalie. Rosalie wobbled slightly, looking unsure of what to do with the ball. Alice yelled to her, and her head shot round, not looking at the approaching Seth. Seth smirked to himself, and prepared for an easy block. At the last minute, Rosalie realized what was happening, and promptly clobbered Seth round the head with her handbag she'd been holding throughout the game. Seth fell to the ground, momentarily stunned, and Rosalie shakily passed back to Alice. Alice's eyes were wide open in amazement. From her point of view, it looked as though Rosalie had just made Seth fall over by staring at him. She shook her head, and lined up for a shot, ignoring the werewolves' cries of injustice.

She blasted the ball into the bottom right corner, putting enough bend on it for it to curl in past Embry. The back of the net bulged with the speed and weight of the ball, and the posts promptly collapsed at the force of the ball. Alice punched the air, crowing in delight, as Emmet picked her up and carried her round on his shoulders. Rosalie clapped her delicate porcelain hands together, unused to making the sound. Edward ran down the length of the line, crying out 'Bella! Bella!'

He stopped short when he saw that she wasn't there.

The werewolves were outraged at this humiliation, and as Seth stood up, rubbing his head, they marched towards the stump for appraisal. Edward stood there, wildly looking around for his believed bride-to-be. Jacob frowned, calling out Bella's name. Now both teams came to the tree stump, and after no response from the missing Bella, both began to accuse each other.

'Where have you taken her?' Jacob demanded to Edward, his charcoal eyes flashing with fury. Edward stared back at him, indignant and angry. 'I could ask you the same thing. What have you done this time, dog?'

'Nothing' Jacob snapped back, glaring at the vampire. How he'd love to punish this guy for everything he had done to Bella, how he'd love to show him that Bella was his. Edward tore his eyes away from the werewolf, instead looking into the trees for a sign of his beloved. His gaze fell upon the path, _of course, he_ thought. He looked back to Jacob. 'Maybe she's just gone. She might have had something to go to, or maybe…' he trailed off, his mind whirling with endless possibilities. The werewolf nodded at this news. 'Probably right. The pack and I will go look for her.'

'No way.' Edward said. 'I'm not leaving Bella in your dog's hands. I'll go look with my family.' Jacob shrugged. 'Fine. We'll both go look. She shouldn't be out there on her own anyway…' He jumped up, and ran off to get his pack, while Edward stalked down the path, the Cullens following. They left shortly before the werewolves ran into the forest, calling for Bella.

And all this fuss for one candy bar…

**Hi guys, am so sorry it took me so long! I have been so behind under a mountain of tests and assessments… plus my placement tests! Argh! Three periods of tests… enough to make me have a spaz. Anyhow, hope you enjoy the latest chapter. I've got hardly any stuff after this, so it should all be good. Again, did you know an interesting fact? If you press that little green button right down there, the one marked REVIEWS, Jacob Black will do a special little dance for you! Won't you Jacob… poke poke (whine from Jacob). Oh yeah, and I own nothing of Twilight, New Moon, Breaking Dawn, or Eclipse. Just so that you know!**


	8. Mike Is Hot Stuff

Bella's Nike trainers broke a brunch on the muddy forest ground, as she stumbled her way through the forest. This had NOT been a good idea. She had sticks in her hair, mud all over her shoes, a scratched face and hands, and she still had the tummy rumbles from hell. She sighed, picking a wet leaf off her trousers. This sucked. Edward and Jacob had probably realized by now she was missing, and were probably searching for her. The best thing to do was to wait in this muddy hellhole. She squatted uncomfortably on a bank, and glared up at the sky. Her instinct told her it was about 6pm, and she realized she had been traipsing through the forest for about 45 minutes. She sighed, shaking her hair out and tying it up into a ponytail. At least she had her iPod to keep her sane.

She felt for her back pocket, and then froze. What was this lumpy cracked thing residing there? She pulled it out and saw the remains of her 2GB Nano cupped in her palm. After a lasting battle with the weight of Bella's bum on top of it, it had simply given up all hope and fallen apart. As she watched, smoke began to trickle slowly out of it.

'CRAP!' she yelled out loud, throwing the iPod to the ground. 'Why does this happen to me?' She stamped her foot, ready to have a full-on tantrum, when a cracking twig stopped her. She turned slowly, circling into a defensive position, arms held to ward off any attacker. A bear maybe, or a mountain lion? She leant up to grab a branch from the tree, to swing herself up, when out of the bushes stepped…

'Mike?'Bella gasped, letting go of the branch, and swinging off the branch. Mike Newton took a step forward. 'Bella? What are you doing here?' He wore a sleeveless shirt, and his eyes were puffy and red. He had several scratches on his arms, and his jeans had a massive rip in them.

'I was about to ask you the same thing.' Bella said. 'Mike… what's wrong?'

He looked away, down at the ground, brushing his yes with the back of his hand. 'Jessica… broke up with me.'

'Oh Mike!' Bella's compassion stretched to any creature, no matter how nerdy or anti-supernatural they may be. She gave him a hug, and he returned it, enjoying it for the moment. He sniffed slightly, and Bella squeezed him tighter. They broke apart, Mike staring at her.

'So… I guess you're still with Edward?'

'Yes. Well, no. Maybe. See, Jacob Black, he does too, and I mean… I don't know. I'm just confused right now.' Bella mumbled, bowing her head, her curtain of hair hiding her face.

Mike stepped forward, putting his hands on Bella's shoulders. 'You know, if any of them hurt you Bella, I'll always be here.'

'Mike… you're so sweet.' Bella smiled, lifting her face. Suddenly Mike lunged forward, and Bella flinched. His arms closed around her back, and with a purpose, he leaned forward and kissed her on the lips.

Bella's first instinct was to scream. Freaky crying camper dude snogging her, hellooo? She considered it running for Edward or Jacob, but she relaxed. Who said Edward had to keep such a tight leash on her all the time? He was really over-protective at times, and she just wanted to let go. Jacob insisted on protecting her, but she could fend for herself once in a while. He wasn't here, neither was Edward, and Bella let herself go into the kiss.

Mike was surprised. Bella seemed to want this kiss, and it was comforting to have another girl so close to him. He conveniently forgot his feelings for Jessica, his wish to curl up into a ball and cry, and how badly Edward or Jacob would beat him up if he was caught kissing Bella. His grip relaxed slightly, and he smelt Bella's shampoo on her hair. The kiss seemed to go on for ages, and all the while, fireworks went off in his heart. Jessica had never done this; she was way too giggly, too _stupid. _Bella was all he wanted, and at that moment, he was all she wanted.

After what seemed like an age, Bella broke apart from Mike, looking deeply into his eyes. He held her in his arms, staring back at her. An invisible bond connected them both, and both forget everything apart from each other. They stared, and Mike's warm hands wrapped themselves round Bella's. Mike's tears had dried on his face, and she slowly lifted her hand and wiped them away.

Mike sighed at her touch. 'Edward Cullen wouldn't be too pleased if he caught me right now, would he?'

Bella smiled, and was about to reply, when an icy voice cut into the air. 'No, he wouldn't, would he?'

Bella froze, and Mike spun round, eyes wide. Up on the bank where Bella had crouched, stood Edward and his family. And they didn't look particularly happy.

**I'm so so sorry, it's so short! Bit of a cliffie though. Hey everyone, thanks for caring about my headache- inducing, copious amounts of tests and work! Really happy that you care! Remember, I give cupcakes, hugs, and make Jacob Black dance for you if you review… so what are you doing, press that little green button NOW! C'mon, let's see some action with the review-button-clicking! Please? **


	9. Eddie Has A Mental Breakdown

**OK, from Edward's point of view**

Edward flashed through the forest, his form blurring with speed. His dearest love was in trouble, that was for sure. Scaling her thoughts, he caught sudden mind images of mountain lions and bears. He snarled at these, twisting quickly to avoid hitting a tree. A squirrel emerged from an overhead burrow, and was nearly trampled by his flickering feet. Squeaking with outrage, it dived behind a nearby tree. Edward couldn't care less about cute fuzzy squirrels at this point. He had a girlfriend to save. Why was Bella always getting herself in trouble, and he had to do the entire shining-knight episodes? Honestly, the entire affair was getting a bit repetitive.

A tree root appeared out of nowhere, snaking around Edward's Chuck-cladded feet, and throwing him to the ground. He fell to the ground, winded and confused. He had too many things on his mind. Running was second nature to him, but he had to let go of everything when he ran, or it could result in disaster. He winced, pushing himself off the ground and inspecting himself for bruise. A graze on his knee was the worst injury, and he huffed to himself. Yes, he was an immortal vampire. Yes, he could run at humanly impossible speeds. But yes, even he could still sometimes run into trees. At least he didn't do that in front of Bella.

Thinking about her focused all Edward's thoughts at once. He tried to get up, to run some more, when he heard Bella's sweet voice piercing the air. 'Mike?' she gasped, and he heard her sharp intake of breath. Edward struggled forward, leaning over a bank, where he saw his girlfriend open-mouthed, staring at another guy. He recognized the teary human as Mike Newton, the nerd whose dad ran a camping store. He looked like he'd been running, and his shirt was torn. Edward smelt the blood off a long scratch on Mike's hand; the air was thick with the intoxicating stench of it. He forced himself to ignore it, the aroma of his kind, though it called to him. Instead, he concentrated on watching Bella's reaction with Mike around. He expected her to ignore him, to instead focus on her undying love for Edward. But that wasn't exactly the reaction he saw.

Edward heard the others arrive quietly beside him, felt Alice's touch against his arm. He looked up to see her pixie face serious and grim. He read her thoughts, and she broadcast them to him: _what the hell is Bella doing with that nerd, and why the hell did she sneak off?_

With the tiniest of movements, he shrugged. He slowly twisted his head to watch the affair, and the Mike spoke up. 'Jessica broke up with me.' _Oh, who cares? _Edward thought. _A human breaking up with another. What a pointless life that idiot leaves, following his heart. Lucky me, I haven't got one._

His mouth dropped open when Bella hugged him. He clenched his marble fists, and would have probably killed Mike there and then if Carlisle and Emmet hadn't held him back. Jasper sent out calming messages to him, and slowly, a tidal wave of peace broke over him. He bit his lip to stop the screaming abuse about Mike and his mother coming out.

'So… I guess you're still with Edward?' Mike said, looking disappointed. Edward nodded. _Keep your filthy human hands off my… human girlfriend, you momma's boy! _He thought, but what came next from Bella shocked him to the core. 'Yes. Well, no. Maybe. See, Jacob Black, he does too, and I mean… I don't know. I'm just confused right now.' _How can you be confused Bella, you have me, and all we ever wanted were each other. How could you hang out with a dog?_

Jasper still sent the calm wave, so Edward didn't exactly go berserk at what happened next. He just vibrated with nothing but pure fury and Jasper struggled. Even Alice dug her nails into her palms so much that she nearly drew some of her vampires' golden blood. Mike took a step towards Bella and locked her in his muscular arms. Then their lips met, and Edward nearly flew at them with rage. Emmet and Carlisle held him back, and Jasper almost blacked out with the amount of feeling he was getting from Edward. He staggered, and Rosalie propped him up to continue his work. Edward's power increased until Bella's thoughts for Mike were echoing around his head: _I want nothing but him. He's mine. _Now Edward was at wild bull stage. He was practically snorting with anger, and frothing at the mouth. A droplet landed on Alice, and she froze with horror and disgust. 'Ew.' She managed inaudibly, and quickly brushed the sleeve of her affected jacket against a log. Finally, Mike broke apart from Bella, and smiled dreamily at her. Edward wanted to take that smile and stuff it up his… Jasper's power finally kicked in, and Edward himself staggered with the huge wildfire of anger at its climax.

Then it disappeared, and all he felt was pure disappointment. He wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. Bella preferred a human over him. She'd snuck off just to see him. She hated him. A tear nearly snuck out from his long eyelashes, and tenderly, Alice wiped it away from his marble face. Mike Newton voiced what everyone had been feeling, as Bella wiped the tears away from his soft, _human_, cheek. 'Edward Cullen wouldn't be too pleased if he caught me right now, would he?'

Edward stood up from his hiding place, the Cullens following. He fought back the crack in his voice, and managed 'No, he wouldn't, would he?' Mike spun around, and Bella seemed in a state of shock. She collapsed onto the forest floor, and Edward's usual compassion was replaced with iciness. His amber eyes bored into Mike's blue ones. Mike was afraid, a coward. _I should kill him, _Edward thought, but he couldn't find the heart. He glared down at Bella. "I thought you loved me, Bella. Obviously not. I was right to leave you, you two-timing cow. Don't ever speak to me again.'

With that, Edward spun on his heel, and began to run. All he wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. He never wanted to see Bella again. She watched him go, and the Cullens followed. What happened next would have been funny, had Bella not been so distraught. The tree root that seemed bent on trying to kill Edward, was in his way. His foot curled round it, and he slipped over, bouncing down back onto the bank, landing on his sore bum. He froze, then swore out loud, picking himself up. Out of nowhere a hearty laugh echoed in the silence, and Jacob stepped out from behind a tree, followed by the pack, laughing loudly. Edward jumped up, and with the Cullens following, stalked away from the scene. Bella turned, and through her tears, saw Jacob's smile light up like a beacon in his tanned face, and saw a remote in his hand.


	10. Machine Intel Kilobyte Experiment

Where's your TV?' Bella choked, burying her head in her hands to stem the flow of the tears. Jacob chuckled, then tossing the remote to the ground, put his arms round her. Her eyes were puffy already, and he tenderly wiped a tear away from them. She tore away from his warm hug. 'Jacob, tell me what's going on. Now.'

He sighed, staring towards the heavens. Bella snuck a look at Mike, who was staring at the ground, expressionless. The pack had picked up the remote and were eagerly fiddling with it, occasionally breaking out in peals of laughter. Jacob's dark eyes were full of guilt. 'It's… hard to explain Bells. Just wait. What you must know is what I did was not out of how much I hated Edward. It was to help you. I need you to know that before I start.'

Now Bella was interested. She lifted her eyes up to him, and the sunlight radiating through the forest. Patterns danced over the grassy floor, dark intertwining with light like lovers. Her hair momentarily shone with a streak of sunlight, and that, Jacob decided, was nothing but sexy. He reached out and grabbed her hand, and she sat up. She wiped her eyes with her T-shirt, and sniffed, controlling herself.

Jacob began. 'Well, it all began when I first met Quil and Embry. We were just little kids, having imaginary battles and discoveries, only in Year 4. You know, eating paste, belching alphabet, that kinda thing. One of our favorite games was to pretend we had our own personal robots, and they'd do everything for us. Like our homework and stuff. Only, as we got older, we really started to think about that. We used our knowledge of cars, engines, motorbikes, and developed a few designs. When we found we were werewolves, it actually helped a lot. We'd go into wolf form and sometimes take a few parts away from cars and bikes, stuff we needed. We finally made a prototype about a year ago.'

Bella frowned. 'That would have taken ages. Every time I saw you, you were always working on the Rabbit. And you were always talking about it. You sounded like you actually knew about it.'

He nodded, and stretched slightly. 'The Rabbit didn't need any work, matter of fact. It was absolutely fine. But we needed to hide our work, and the perfect place was underneath the car. Every time, I was just re-developing the robot.'

She covered her mouth, which was hanging open. 'Are you saying…?'

'Yep.' Jacob said. He snatched the remote off Sam, and pointed it at Mike. A short bleep and Mike stood up, head hanging. Another button pushed, and Mike's arm shot out, catching Embry in the face. He stumbled back, blood suddenly oozing from his nose. Paul went to help, as it dawned on Bella the entire truth. Jacob tossed the remote back to Sam, who caught it with one hand. He turned back to Bella, and recounted his last few days with his robot.

'When I met you I totally forgot about the prototype. Quil and Embry kept carrying out the experiments in secret though. Then when Edward hurt you and you went off with him again… I knew I had to do something. So when you called about the game, I knew everything was going to be perfect. We managed to make our robot here look almost exactly like your ex Mike… thanks to getting him to dunk his face in a LOT of wax.' Jacob chuckled at this fond memory, remembering Mike's reaction when he discovered how hot the wax really was. The real Mike was in hospital for wax burns right now, but he declined to tell this to Bella.

She listened avidly to every single word. 'But… how did you know that I was going to go because I was hungry?'

Jacob beamed once more. 'I didn't. My original plan was for M.I.K.E- that's what we call, stands for Machine Intel Kilobyte Experiment. It was for M.I. K.E to stumble into the playing field and promptly kiss you, acting like your boyfriend. Embry would melt into the trees, and still control the robot. See, when you speak into this microphone, it sounds like M.I.K.E is saying it.'

On cue, Sam muttered into the remote, and the robot moved his lips to mimic his words. Bella laughed weakly at the words, some of them rude. Jacob was delighted.

'You stumbled upon where we were going to deactivate him. We realized this because we'd been following the vampires, knowing they were tracking your blood scent, and knew exactly where you were. Lucky we had the remote, and the trap was set. But I'm so sorry Bella… I just wanted him to leave you alone. He would have devastated you, and I couldn't stand that. He's already hurt you more than once. Please forgive me, or I'll never forgive myself.'

She was silent for a long time, toying with her hair. Her eyes were lowered, and Jacob sighed. He knew that whatever she said now, could affect his whole life. The silence was humbling, and even the pack were still.

Then Bella's clear voice cut through the icy silence. 'And you got the whole pack into this?'

He nodded vigorously, smiling weakly. 'They all wanted to help, especially as it was for you, Bells. We got the work done twice as quickly. It was for you, and nothing else.'

She was silent again, her face troubled. Emotions swirled round her head, and she was torn between being angry, sad, or just plain loving Jacob like she'd always done. Bella wanted to cry again thinking of Edward, but then again, she remembered his angry face, his vile temper. She winced, and then made her final decision.

She jumped up, surprising him. A painted nail poked him in the chest. 'Jacob Black, you're a very bad boyfriend, you know that?'

He gulped, his heart sinking. 'Uh… yeah.'

'You tricked Edward so you could have me, you made a robot to steal him away from me, and you've obviously got jealousy issues. And you know what?'

He looked deep into her eyes, but saw nothing. They were cold, and bloodshot from spent tears. He blinked hard, waiting for what could and would come next. 'What?'

'I love you all the same.' These words came out in a rush as Bella threw herself at him, and held his head to hers. The pack breathed a long 'Awwwwww' as they kissed, again loving, all anger and disappointment forgotten. Bella felt her emotions melt away in a warm oblivion of love. Jacob's heart skipped and did somersaults around his chest. They broke apart, stared into one another's eyes, and then suddenly, he announced in a grand voice 'Let's get married!'

Bella stared at him, and her jaw practically dropped open. Her hands flew to her mouth, and she screamed like a little girl. 'YES! YES! YES! I WISH EDWARD COULD HEAR THIS!' she shrieked, and once again, kissed Jacob with a pure happiness and content that no-one could ever replicate. The moment was true. Both were the most joyous they had ever been, and as Jacob grasped Bella's hands, the moment overcame her in a dead heat and she fainted.

**Thanks for your patience readers! Sorry for all the mu-uuu-ush, but it'll pass. It's not over yet... more to come, including:**

*** Are Bella and Jacob _actually _gonna get married?**

*** What's with Edward, and who is he now with?**

*** WHERE THE HELL IS ESME???**

**Questions will be answered soon, just not tomorrow. Happy Birthday To Me!!!!! :) :) :) 13 at last!!!!**

**Oh yeah, and Team Edward fans, I don't give a stuff! Merry Christmas to all, especially to reviewers!**

**P.S I'M SORRY CRESENTMOON12, THE JAOCB FANS MADE ME DO IT!!!**


	11. Geography With Bella

Bella woke up with a start, sitting bolt upright in her bed. Her tangled mane of hair drooped around her shoulder, and she tucked it back with a sigh. She looked up, straight into Jacob's eyes.

'AAAAARRGGHH!!' she screamed, similar to a banshee. She plopped back onto the pillows, aghast. 'You gave me a fright.' She scowled at Jacob, who seemed puzzled. 'Don't ever do that again.'

Jaocb sighed, and leant down next to her. 'That bloodsucker watched you sleep and you didn't mind' he said, shaking his head. Her expression made him chuckle, as she exclaimed 'That's because Edward is legally dead! Are you dead? No, not the last time I noticed.'

He mimed having a heart attack, and she had to laugh. Swinging out of the bed, she wondered out loud 'How'd you take me home last night?'

'Carried you.' Jacob announced. 'I simply hoisted my bride-to-be on my manly shoulders, and walked to your house. Charlie was quite shocked, but he let me stay the night. So I slept there.' He pointed at a uniform-green sleeping bag spread out on the floor, askew.

'Sure, you have manly shoulders.' Bella teased. 'More like yoghurt-y! Did you bring a sleeping bag all the way here, or what?'

Jacob again mimed shock, spluttering out 'Oh no you did-nt!'

'Oh yes I di-id!'

'Oh no you did-nt!'

'Oh yes I di-id!'

'Oh no you did-nt!'

'OK… now that's just stupid.'

'Right. Nah, I borrowed the bag off Charlie. Do these look like yoghurt to you?' Jacob thrust his shoulder into Bella's face, prancing around. She dived backwards, grabbing a pillow and whacking him over the head with it. It exploded in a sea of feathers, showering both in a snowy storm. Both fell about laughing at each other.

In the middle of the hilarity, a ringtone loudly blasted from Jacob's phone. He brushed the feathers off his head, and grabbed the phone from beneath the pillow on the sleeping bag. Bella tutted at the ringtone. 'Stan Walker? Could you have picked a singer who looks less like you?'

Jacob mouthed a _no _and answered the call. 'Hey, Dad.'

He was silent for a long time, apart from the occasional _mm-hmm _or _nope_. Then a smile slowly spread across his face. 'You sure, Dad? Yeah, I'll tell. Just us, huh? Course we won't disturb you. Thanks so much, Dad, I owe you one! Say hi to the twins for me. See ya.'

He hung up, a pearly-white grin flashing across his face. Bella pondered over his sudden expression of joy. He turned to her, reaching out for her hand. 'Bella… so you still remember what I said last night?'

She nodded, frowning. 'I'm just not sure about it now. It seemed like a good idea at the time… but we're too young. I'm sorry, Jake.'

'Really?' he said, an expression of relief on his face. 'Phew, I thought I was going to have a hard time explaining it to you! That's exactly how I feel as well.'

Bella leaned forward and looked deep into his eyes. 'So… why do you bring this up?'

'Well, my dad is going to Scotland on some business trip, and I want to come with him. He said I could bring you… I just wanted to know before I went.'

Bella beamed, now her grin flashing across _her _face. 'Of course I want to come! Where's Scotland? Is it somewhere hot?'

Jacob stared at her, open-mouthed, and then slapped his forehead hard. 'Oh great' he murmured. Then, louder, 'Were you even paying attention in Geography last year? Or do they not do that at your school?'

Bella frowned again. 'Geography? That thing where you study maps? Well… No offence or anything, but I kinda spent the entire time staring at Edward last year.'

Jacob shook his head in disgust. 'Never mind. You'll find out when we get there. You'd better tell Charlie if you want to come. I'll get my bike and drive home. We leave in two days, 1pm.'

'Kay!' Bella said, and waved Jacob goodbye as he jumped out the window, _again_. She sighed as he landed on the ground easily, and blew a kiss goodbye. _That was such an Edward thing to do_, she thought, and then wondered how he was doing. _Who cares_, she thought, and ran downstairs.

**Edward's point of View**

After the game, the Cullens silently headed home. Edward locked himself in his room, and the others went about on their usual lives. The doorbell interrupted their activities, and Alice ran to get it. She opened it, and saw Esme standing there. 'Esme!' she yelled, and hugged her. Her shout brought everyone else to the door, and after hugs (long one from Carlisle), Esme walked on in.

'Where have you been?' Emmet asked bluntly, and received sharp looks from everyone else. Esme stared at him. 'Where have you been, Emmet? I told you, I've been visiting the Volturi . Remember, they asked us to come, for a standing count of all European vampires? They weren't there, though. Don't know why not, they specifically asked us to come.'

'Ahem.' A voice coughed, and Jane stepped out from the doorway, followed by Aro, Caius and Marcus. Esme stared at them, especially at Jane, who was currently wearing a designer jacket and jeans. She smiled at Esme, and she shrank back, hands raised protectively. Jane blinked, and Esme lowered her arms. Aro stepped in. 'I'm so sorry Mrs. Cullen, we totally forgot. We were called here by a certain… Bella Swan.' He spat the name out like poison, for Alice had told them how she had cheated on Edward. They, too, were involved in the hunt, but lost track when they encountered the outskirts of the woods, and the local hospital- particularly the blood bank. The police were still looking for hooded figures that had been seen swigging from the bottles full of AB- positive samples.

Esme looked from the red-eyed Aro to a scowling Jasper, and frowned herself. 'What's been going on here?'

They sat her down on the couch, and told her everything, from the game, to the kiss. **(A/N I can't be stuffed writing it all! Sorry! ;) ) **Esme was appalled. Shaking her head in disgust, she looked up to Edward's room door. 'Poor, poor Edward. I never knew Bella would do something like that. We trusted her.'

Carlisle nodded. 'She's broken Edward's heart. He's locked himself up there, as you know. I doubt he's going to come out for days.'

As if by magic, his door creaked open, and all heads turned. Edward walked out, and everyone gasped. 'Edward…' Alice said 'What have you done?'

It seemed a lot. His bronze, golden streaked hair was dyed black. Long streaks of eyeliner hung under his eyes. With his pale skin, this had a disturbing Gothic effect. A long fringe of hair hung half over his desolate, empty eyes. Handmade wristbands hung around his wrists, dotted with spikes. He looked up at his name, and then sneered.

'Edward? My name's not Edward anymore. It sounds too happy. My name's Misery, because that's what I am.'

In the silence which dawned upon everyone in the household, it was broken by a quiet thump as Esme fainted.

**A/N **

**Hi Everyone! Merry Christmas! Well, I hope I have answered some questions in here! Esme... check...jacob and bella... check... Edward.... check!**

**Okay... so there's an Emo Eddie. tell me if u want it to last, or if you want him to devise some evil cunning plot to get the "cheater" Bella back because he still loves her.**

**I'm all open to suggestions, but no flames, please. There are some more questions that I will answer...**

*** Is Edward continually gonna be an Emo?**

*** What happened to the Volturi?**

** * Is Scotland actually hot? (Answer: HELL NO!)**

**Merry Xmas to all, and to all reviewers, Xmas messages of goodwill and niceties!**


	12. Jane's Boyfriend

**OK! I have got a lot of reviews from psychotic Edward fans (namely you, scarletblussh!) that have been furious at me because I made Edward an emo. You know at school how teachers annoyingly tell you "Oh, never give in to peer pressure! Terrible, terrible. You know, I did in '86, oh, horrible things, yada yada blah blah blah.". Well, I'm usually the person who's sitting with a long string of drool coming out of their mouth at that moment. SO I GIVE IN! I hope this chapter is to your satisfaction, dear readers/ homicidal Edward fans who I am extremely scared of.**

Everyone rushed to Esme, and left Edward standing on the stairs, practicing his best "I hate everyone" glare. Everyone apart from Jasper (**This is for you, Indi!). **He ran up to Edward, grabbing the front of his shirt. Jasper noted it said "MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE: THE BLACK PARADE". For him, that was simply the last straw. He hated My Chemical Romance, resulting of a bad experience taking Alice to one concert. A guy in the crowd had decided it was a good idea to cover himself in animal blood for a costume. Jasper had gone ballistic, and in the end, they had both gone home. Not entirely romantic.

Jasper pushed Edward against the stair banister so hard it nearly cracked. He leaned over Edward, who by now, looked quite scared. 'Listen up Edward. Listen real close. Do you think it's a good idea to be like this when a _dog _is getting his hands on _your _girlfriend?'

Edward/Misery was defiant. 'Leave me alone. I can cope with the eternal pain and misery which is life. And I'm not Edward, I'm Misery!'

Jasper snarled, right in Edward's face. 'Listen to what I say, right now. Life will not be an eternal pain and misery IF YOU GET HER BACK! Did you see how unhappy she was? She would not have been like that if she hated you. Did you see that dog laughing? Could you not see his joy in your unhappiness? It take some simple deduction to see, that it's that puppy's plot all along! He's trying to get you away from Bella. Are you going to fall for his ploy?'

Edward was silent for a long time, thinking. Jasper could practically see the cogs in his brain going round and round. Then he twisted his head up, and looked Jasper straight in the eye. 'No.'

'Then do something! Take off that Emo makeup, wash the dye out, and burn that T-shirt. Please Edward. Bella needs you, we need you, everyone. Everyone cares about you Edward. We don't want to see you like this.'

Edward looked to everyone in the room. Everyone was watching him, including the revived Esme. 'You all feel this way?'

The room chorused in Yes's, with four No's. The Cullens glared at the Volturi, who held up their hands against the angry stares. 'Hey, we don't do family situations, okay?' Jane defended, and slowly, all of them backed out of the door. Aro tripped over his robe, falling down the porch. He hopped up again, still backing away. Edward laughed and was given the evils from Jane. Everyone else smiled, and he stood up, grabbed his T-shirt, and ripped it in half. Alice and Rosalie responded with a barely audible 'Yeew' while everyone else applauded. He raced upstairs to change, as Jasper was congratulated on avoiding a disaster. And the Cullen's life resumed.

Rosalie motioned to Alice to join her on the couch, and she hopped straight onto it. 'So' Rosalie said chattily, 'what did you talk to Jane about?'

Alice shrugged. 'Y'know, girl stuff. Fashion, makeup,… boys. She's actually really nice for someone who can cause pain with her eyes. And someone in the Volturi. And someone with red eyes.'

Rosalie raised her eyebrows at the word _boys_. 'What? Jane talked about boys? You kidding me, Al?'

She glanced from side to side nervously, and then covered her mouth with her hand. 'Nope. Promise not to tell?'

Rosalie nodded secretively. 'Tell all to the great Rosalie, great keeper of secrets. Promise.'

'She's actually got a crush on Caius.'

'WHAT?' Rosalie sat bolt upright, spluttering with laughter. Alice joined in, rolling off the sofa in her hilarity. Emmet walked into the room, looked down and raised his eyebrows. Jasper followed him. 'Girls' he grunted. 'Always laughing about nothing.'

Jasper nodded and sighed at the state Alice was in, her pixie pale face tomato red. He walked out of the room to see what Edward was doing, and Emmet strolled to his room. Rosalie wiped her eyes, and murmured to Alice 'If only they knew.'

**JPOV**- **2 days later, while Edward is still devising his EVIL plan**

Jacob bounced up on Bella's door, flowers in one hand, plane tickets in the other. He rang the bell, and awkwardly stood on the door step. He checked his hair in the window self-consciously, and sighed at it. The door creaked open and he jumped back, hair and flowers in place. There was Bella, in a T-shirt and shorts, with jandals. 'Hey!' she cheerily, and swept back her hair. A pull-along suitcase stood beside her, emblazoned with stars. 'Can't wait! We going now?'

Jacob stared at her. 'Er… Bella. Why are you wearing summer stuff?'

Bella stared back, narrowing her eyes. 'What do you mean? Isn't Scotland sunny?'

'Er… no. It's actually seriously cold and wintry at this time of year.'

Bella's expression changed from suspicious to horrified in the blink of an eye. 'Oh _shit_.'

'Yeah.' Jacob said, and as Bella dashed back inside to repack, he slapped his hand across his temple.

Why did he take the girlfriend with no sense of direction on a romantic holiday?

**I'm sorry it's so short! I'e got another chapter being prepared soon, so I will update. I'm Team Jakey (how can you resist a warm cuddly werewolf? Tell me how!) but I have been given a threat by a certain Edward fan that I will be facing the wrath of a certain P.E bag at a certain school unless I support edward in this fictional adventure... naming no names, scarletblusssh! No names named!**

**reviews are greatly appreciated. Negative ones are going to power the oven that will be used to bake good reviewers PIE! I LIKE PIE!**


	13. Who da heck is Robert Pattison?

**Ok, I know it's been ages since I last updated, so here's a bigger chapter for you!!! ****I love you all- especially reviewers!!! P.S If you can't understand the Scots accent, here's a link to help. **

**Scots Help**

The plane touched down at Glasgow airport at 8:00 at night, Scottish time. The weary passengers stepped out onto the tarmac, and felt the cold breeze dig deep into their bones. It was a long, tiring walk to Customs, and to top off the mood, a baby bawled into the harsh wind. Two passengers stood outside Passport Check, heads nodding as the security checker pursed her lips at the passports.

'You Jacob Black?'

'Yes, ma'am.' Jacob said, standing a bit straighter at his name, Bella's head nodding against his shoulder. The uniformed woman glared at him though her pebble-dashed spectacles, then at his photo. Her expression softened slightly. 'Do I know you from somewhere?'

He blinked, and then shrugged. Bella uncurled her arm from round his huge shoulders, and yawned. 'Maybe. I don't think we have met.' Jacob replied, too exhausted to respond properly. Frankly, he didn't care, and he just wanted to get to the hotel. Getting held up by security was not what he had in mind.

She narrowed her eyes at him. 'You _could _be a wanted terrorist. Perhaps that's how I know you.'

He panicked. 'Oh no. I'm no terrorist. I'm just with my girlfriend here.' Bella sleepily acknowledged this, as he held up his hands in self-defense.

The security checker allowed herself a small smirk. 'Just messing with you, Mr. Lautner. Your profile passport is for the fans, right? No worries, I already know who you are.' She grinned knowingly, handing back the passports. 'Have a great time in Scotland, Mr. Lautner. Actually… would you mind if I had your autograph? You too, Ms. Stewart?'

Now both Bella and Jacob were totally bewildered as the checker pulled out a pad and pen from a pocket stretched across her vast buttocks. Clearly this woman was either insane, or all the stamping had gone to her head. They bemusedly signed the pad and watched the checker as she eagerly snatched it up. 'Aww! You signed with your acting name! That's so cute!' she beamed down onto them, as Bella inadvertently shrank against Jacob, freaked out by this mood-changing benemoth. She was still huddled against him ten minutes later, as they left the airport.

'She must have mistaken us for someone else- someone famous.' Jacob concluded, as he hailed down a cab. Bella nodded, then murmured 'Where's Billy?'

'Oh, he went on ahead. Didn't get held up by psycho security.' Jacob muttered darkly, glaring at the taxi driver. He blanched and turned around abruptly- obviously not familiar to the scary werewolf stare. Jacob pulled his phone out of his pocket and started twiddling, while Bella stared out the window. 'Wow.' She mumbled, taking in the view of the rolling hills and snowy mountains. Beautiful, compared to LA Airport any day. The taxi driver saw her staring and chuckled. 'Eh, ye sure 'preciate yer surroundings, lass. I think Scotland's pretty bonny m'self. The nature's verra guid roun' here too. I lorve eirt.'

She stared at him, uncomprehending through his thick accent. Jacob intervened. 'Yeah, we're interested in the nature around here too. Are there any wolves round here, or what?'

The cab driver was silent for a couple of minutes, trying to reason Jacob's American twang **(A/N I have nothing against American or Scottish accents! Just so you know!). **Then he shook his head, his grizzled mane of red, wiry hair bouncing.. 'Naw, laddie, there's nae wolves aboot now. Hunter dinna all burt kill thairm hundred's year afore. Lot's a deer, sheep, beirds, thairt kinda stuff. Why d'you ask?'

Now Jacob drew a blank, mentally searching for what the man meant. Then he shrugged. 'Just interested.' He muttered, and Bella elbowed him. He looked up and grinned conspiratorially. 'Just me, then.' He whispered in her ear, and she giggled. The cabbie looked at them through the mirror, and frowned. 'Bairns these daes.' He muttered. 'thair'll be makin' lorve befair I know airt.'

The journey took an hour longer, and as the cab pulled up outside the hotel, the cabbie held out his hand. 'Thair'll be 65 pounds, thank ye kindly.' Jacob shoved him some notes, and waved him goodbye. Then he clapped his mittened hands together. 'Phew! Even for a hot, furry, werewolf, this is freezing!'

Bella scowled at him, and he grinned. 'Oh, Bella. Does ooo want warming?' He smothered her in a massive bear hug, and she grinned. 'Not so great, Jake, when I'm only as tall as your armpit!'

They both laughed, and headed into the hotel, the lit windows seeming cozy and homely. Thirty minutes later they were fast asleep, jetlag and late nights finally taking their toll. If they only knew what they were in for…

**EPOV (Edward's point of view and also EVIL point of view**

Once Edward had recuperated and washed the dye out of his hair, everyone set about their plan of action. Emmet spied on Bella's house, and eventually found out they'd gone to Scotland. Edward came up with the plan, as they were all sitting around the table, holding a family conference.

'I like it.' Alice mused. 'It's evil… funny… and will show the mutt who's boss. I can set the costumes up… who'll get the stuff?'

'I will.' Carlisle volunteered. 'I've got some samples at the hospital, from when _she _was in there. How are we going to get it on board though?'

Jasper coughed. 'We'll just carry an extra-large bag, _Dad_. Plus yours truly can just make everyone go to Happy La-la Land of they try to question us. Easy?'

'There's such place as Happy La-la Land?' Emmet boomed. 'Can we go there sometime?'

He got the Jasper Look. 'Emmet, it exists in that place you go to with those pills you've got to take, OK?'

'Hey, I do not-'

'Cut it out!' Esme held up her hands. 'Look, I'll book the tickets so we can leave in a few days. In the meantime, everyone needs to pull together. Including the Happy La-la Landers, okay?' she shot an evil look at Jasper and Emmet. They shrank back into the couch and looked away. Edward cracked up, and then received the look. 'Edward, we're doing this for your benefit, so you'd better pull finger too. OK?'

'Yeah.' Edward muttered. Esme clapped her hands. 'Then let's prepare, people!'

**2 DAYS LATER**

'FOR THE LAST TIME, MY NAME IS NOT ROBERT PATTISON!' Edward yelled, causing glares from around the Passport Check gates. It was 6 in the morning, and Edward was having a screaming argument with a certain passport handler. His pale skin was flushed with anger, and a vein in his temple throbbed. The bespectacled checker glared back at him. 'Well, I'm sorry, but I think you're handling this very badly. Do you want your viewers to see this, Mr. Pattison?' With that, she snatched a video camera off her desk and pointed it at Edward.

'No! Don't you… Gnnnnn!' Edward growled, as Carlisle smoothly stepped in. 'I'm sorry for his behavior, Ma'am, but could you please let us through? I really don't want to miss our cab.'

The checker smiled, still shooting poisonous glares in Edward's direction. 'Of course, Mr. Facinelli. I must say, I thought you had dark hair. Have you dyed it?'

Carlisle smiled, and motioned his family to join him out the gates. 'Yes I have. Do the roots still show? I'm a little… self conscious about that.'

She beamed up at him. 'Aren't we all? Have a good day, Mr. Facinelli!'

As The Cullens took their bags from the aisle, Edward scowled, causing deep creases in his flawless skin. 'That checker's a nutjob. She freaked me out.'

Carlisle clapped him heavily on the back. 'Son, when people mistake you for someone else, just take it as a compliment! You never know, that person might be really handsome.' He pretended to hold up a mirror, posing. Edward sneered. 'Yeah, right, _Dad_. Probably in my case it's some actor with overgrown eyebrows, a bristly chin, spray-painted muscles and crazy hair!' **(A/N Sound familiar to someone in the Twilight Movie?)**

**OK!! It might be not as long as a chapter you might have hoped for, but… I hope the content makes up for that! Thanks so much to all my reviewers- you all get my friendly e-hugs and I baked some e-cookies for you! But only if you review! Bad reviews will be burned in the same oven used to bake the cookies for the good reviewers… DUN DUN DUN!**

**I will update soon!!! :) :) :) remember, e-cookies + e-hugs + BONUS MILK WITH COOKIES for just one teensey review!!!**


	14. Not The Popcorn!

**Hihi! I know the last chapter **_**was **_**a bit of a filler, so this one will be packed full of action, romance, and hyperness! PLEASE REVIEW!!!**

The Cullens arrived at their hotel without a big show, instead quietly checking in and departing to their rooms. Rosalie and Alice shared a room, as did Jasper and Emmet, and Esme and Carlisle. Edward shared a room with none other but himself, which made all the others feel bad. Jasper went to check on Edward after indulging in a water fight with Emmet and the girls. Emmet had attached the sprinkler mechanism to the hose, and had run around annihilating them. The fun had ended abruptly when Alice threw a water balloon, and the hotel manager had gotten in the way. Needless to say, the bill for dry cleaning was still making Carlisle gape.

Jasper smiled at the sudden flashback and pushed open Edward's door. Grinning, he leant against the door, and folded his arms. 'Hey, Eddie, wanna come to the pool? They've got a diving board!'

He blinked, and his jaw practically hit the floor at what Edward was doing. He was dressed in a tuxedo, a rose inserted between his teeth. He held a huge plastic figure in his arms, and it seemed to be a rough resemblance of Bella. As Jasper watched, Edward spun round, crooning to the cut-out Bella. 'Oh, well I've done a bit of dancing in my time.' He chuckled nervously to the plastic model, spinning it in his arms. He took elegant ballroom steps, turning slowly, as foxtrot music played softly from the radio. It faded, and he bowed. 'Well, yes, I hoped you enjoyed it. What say we take things… a little further?' He moved closer to the model, pulling it to him…

Jasper cleared his throat, and Edward jumped about a foot in the air. He twisted angrily around, his face aghast. Jasper put down the video camera, pressing the STOP button. He had all the evidence he needed. As Edward's eyes boggled, he casually tucked the camera into his pocket. 'See you at the indoor pool, buddy?' he smirked. Edward scowled. 'I hate swimming! I'm not going!' he steamed. Jasper turned slowly around. 'Do you want everyone to see this video of you making out with a plastic cut-out of Bella?' he said slowly, pronouncing each syllable slowly.

Edward blanched. 'I'll get my trunks.' He murmured, and grabbed his suitcase. Jasper smiled evilly, and went back to his room. Edward snatched up his trunks, and cursed. 'Why the hell did Jasper have a video camera?! WHY?!'

*******

**FOUR HOURS LATER**

Rosalie grabbed the DVD, Alice the Movie Companion. This was it! The hotel miraculously managed to have _Mean Girls_ in film stock, their favourite movie, as Alice put it, ever ever _ever_. They charged down to the movie room, giggling and whispering. Everyone else in the building was asleep, or going to bed. The doorman glared at them, his face like a thundercloud. 'Ye bairns shaild be gaeng tae bed, nae? Tae late fer a movie, ye ken?'

Both Alice and Rosalie blinked at him, and then set off, oblivious. They had no idea of what he had just said, and as he sighed and rolled his eyes, they both shrugged. 'He's a Scot alright.' Alice murmured. 'Bet the Scots don't even have decent deer in this place. I'm going to die if I have one more plate of 'mince and tatties' shoved down my throat.'

Rosalie nodded in silent agreement, and pushed open the door. She growled in the back of her throat, causing the boys to look up. Emmet, Jasper, and Edward were gathered around the movie screen, watching _Terminator 3_. Jasper smiled. 'Hey, Al. You're here in time for the good part!' he chuckled. He moved up for space, patting the beanbag. 'Come sit. Don't worry, I'll hold your hand if you get scared!'

Emmet's booming laugh almost drowned out the sounds of machine guns and helicopters emitting from the big screen. Rosalie marched up to the DVD player, and jabbed the OFF button with her manicured fingernail. Emmet whined. 'Rose!!! That was when T-X was taking control! You have no sense of fun.' he stuck out his bottom lip and sulked. Alice smiled evilly, and thrust her _Mean Girls- The Movie Companion _into Jasper's face. 'That's what we're watching, Jaspy, but don't worry, I'll hold your hand if you get scared!'

Now Rosalie laughed as she inserted the DVD, not noticing Edward grabbing the cushion. He thrust it down onto her head, as it exploded in a shower of feathers. The boys burst out laughing, and the girls declared war. Alice snatched up the popcorn brought down by some other hoteliers, and grabbed Emmet's shirt. He began to moan and thrash. 'No Alice!! NOOO!!! Not my shirt… ARGHHH!!! Bad Alice! BAD!! NOT THE BUTTER!!! AAIIEEEEEEE!!!!'

***

**THE NEXT DAY**

Rosalie peered through the bushes. 'Can you see anything?' She whispered to Emmet. He pressed the binoculars against his eyes. 'No. They're not by the window yet. Wait a couple of minutes.'

Rosalie groaned. They'd been there since 5 in the morning, spying on Jacob and Bella's room. This was all part of their elaborate plan to get Edward back to Bella. Carlisle had broken up the pillow/popcorn fight, just as Rosalie was about to pour Coke down Edward's pants. They'd taken ages to dry and it still looked like he'd disgraced himself. Good times, Rosalie thought happily, and adjusted her helmet. Alice had insisted on buying outfits for their "mission" before they left for Scotland. She'd come back with military outfits from some dodgy source off the Internet. They blended in pretty well, but they were seriously itchy. Emmet gasped, bringing her out of her thoughts. 'Someone's there! Down, down, down!'

Rosalie ducked, and Emmet crashed into the bushes. The doors to the balcony opened with a creak, and a wizened old man's head popped out of the door. A pipe was jammed between his yellowing teeth, under his curling grey moustache. He ducked his head out over the balcony, and saw the two vampires hiding there. His jaw dropped. 'Varmints! Bosche spies!' he screamed, and suddenly grabbed something that looked awfully like a blunderbluss. Rosalie screamed and ran, Emmet hastening after her. The old man fired the blunderbluss with a resounding boom, and both vampires covered their heads. 'WHY DID WE GO OUTSIDE A CRAZY OLD MAN'S ROOM AND NOT BELLA'S?!' Rosalie shrieked, running as fast as she could to the hotel. 'I DON'T KNOW! JASPER MUST HAVE GOT IT WRONG! THIS GUY LIVES IN WORLD WAR II!' Emmet yelled.

Unknown to them, the old man saluted their fleeting figures. He picked up a mobile phone, and jabbed in a number. Standing to attention, he barked 'Colonel Hornthwaite! Two Nazi spies spotted! They're back... what? No, definitely same uniforms. They're back to kill us for the papers! Where... oh, going to the Cortin Hotel. Yes? What? OK, see you there. Bring a gun... we'd better be prepared for anything!'

He slammed the mobile phone down, and ran to his suitcase. Flipping the digits on the lock, he twisted it open. A helmet he jammed on his head, and he re-loaded his blunderbluss. He checked if there were any more "German spies" then marched down towards the Cortin. 'the German dogs will pay.' He murmured, and lit his pipe thoughtfully.

**AAARRGGGHHH!! What's this weirdo going to do to Rosalie and emmet??**

**I KNOW it's a cliffie, but I'm just doing this for reviews!!! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R! R&R!- PLEASE???**


	15. NESSIE

Rosalie and Emmet climbed the drainpipe into their rooms, and then went to Alice's room. The pixie-faced vampire was lazily watching Scottish television, as Jasper experimented with the phone wires and his computer. Emmet burst into the room, his big bear-like frame blocking the door. 'ALICE!' he yelled, jolting her from her TV-watching coma. She sprang about a foot up in the air, landing agilely on the cushions with a resounding POOMPH. Emmet leapt towards her at vampire speed, quickly grabbing her feet and flipping her upside down. 'AAIIEEEEE!' she screamed as Emmet shook her vigorously, her wallet and different notes spilling out of her dressing-gown pockets. 'LET GO OF ME EMMET! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!' she shrieked, wriggling in his massive grasp.

He turned her round to face him, and scowled. Jasper jumped over the bed to try and save her, and grabbed her hands. 'EMMET LET GO OF HER YOU BEAR-EATING MORON!' he yelled, and pulled at her hands.

Rosalie stood speechless in her corner of the room, edging towards the phone. As Alice screamed and writhed around like a vampire possessed, Emmet peered quizzically over her towards Jasper. 'Bear-eating? Really?' he questioned, his eyebrows raised in mock horror.

Jasper sighed, inaudible in the frenzied cries coming from Alice as Emmet continued to dangle her. 'Yeah, yeah. Let's see you come up with a better insult! Why the hell are you shaking Alice anyway?!'

Emmet sighed, and turned around to see Rosalie holding the phone to her head. 'Hello? Dunkirk Mental Hospital? Yes... yeah, come right away. Cortin Hotel, room number 56. Yes... hurry though!'

Now everyone froze in horror as she gently put the phone onto the receiving rack. Emmet dropped Alice onto the floor, ignoring her moan of pain. 'M... mental hospital? Rose? Really?' Jasper stuttered, trying to believe that what he'd seen was not true.

Rosalie winced. 'It's not what it looks like guys! Really... it's all good. '

Now Alice was mad. She picked herself up off the carpet, examining her burns. Gently brushing herself down, she suddenly grabbed Emmet's face, and pulled it down. 'Emmet.' She snarled 'If you ever do that again, I swear, you'll be waking up sore in the morning.'

Emmet forgot the situation momentarily, and grinned. 'What? If I mess up li'l Alice's skirty-wirty! Oh poor Al-poos!' he crooned, ignoring the look of fury from the pixie.

'That's IT!' she shrieked, and grabbed Emmet's shoulder. He blinked with surprise, and then Alice pulled down vigorously, twisting his entire arm. He flipped a 360 degree turn, and ended up on his back, face scrunched. Alice leaned to the side and picked up her handbag, as Emmet pushed himself up. 'What the hell Alice?' he moaned 'Where the hell did you learn that!'

Alice stood tall, handbag swinging nonchalantly. She glared down at Emmet with an evil stare. He cringed. 'I've been learning things that could blow your tiny head, Jock.'

'Jock?' Emmet questioned. 'Jock?! Is that the best you can do? I mean, you flip me, then you call me a UUURRRRGGGGFFFFNNNKKK!'

The deflated scream from Emmet was caused by Alice launching herself onto his stomach. All the air blew out of his mouth in a huge whooshing sound, and he gasped for breath as she clobbered her with the handbag. 'Take-that-Emmet!' she screamed, whacking his little dimpled cheeks.

Rosalie and Jasper watched on in silent horror. There was a rap on the door, and while Alice beat the stuffing out of Emmet, Jasper opened the door. Some men in white suits, carrying leather jackets, marched in, examining the situation. All Jasper had to do was point at the fighting vampires, and they went into action. The men dragged away the fighting vampires, and strapped them securely into the straitjackets. Rolling them onto stretchers, they quickly departed, after doffing their cap to Rosalie. It was more than a minute until their screams were no longer audible, and there was an eerie silence. Finally, Jasper spoke up. 'Epic Fail.' He said gravely, then picked up the TV remote and started twiddling the knobs.

***

**TWO HOURS LATER**

Once Alice and Emmet had been recovered from their padded cells, and the men in white coats and glasses had been removed from the premises, the plan was go.

The hotel room looked like a mini government spy chamber. The hotel TV had been hacked to satellite CCTV footage. The computer had added a joystick, pedals, a webcam, and radar graphics circulated the screen. The speakers had added microphones, and switches were added to the headphones. Rosalie sat at the controls, watching as random series of numbers flashed up on screen. Jasper twiddled some dials, and the audio controls burst into static, then switched to walkie-talkie mode. Carlisle pulled the joystick up and down, testing out the new machine with abundant joy. Esme pivoted the webcam, and kept an eye on the radar screen. Edward and Emmet were out doing lake patrol.

This was it. The moment they'd all been waiting for. With crossed fingers, the Cullens stared at the screens with a mixture of anxiety and excitement. No one noticed that Alice was gone.

**Jacob and Bella POV!!!**

'C'mon.' Jacob said, shrugging on his heavy Swanndri coat. He held out his beefy hand, and Bella gently grasped it. She sighed, leaning against his muscled shoulder, looking at the misty loch. The locals called it Loch Ness, but Bella decided it should be called something much more "describing". Like "Fog Lake" or "Misty Shore". The eerie cloud moved across the lake, billowing and tumbling like smoke from a bonfire. It twisted around the shores of the loch, giving an eerie grey-tinged effect to the huge lake.

Jacob hugged Bella to him, and chuckled softly. 'Don't worry, no Nessie here!' he laughed, and she scowled up at him.

They walked along the rocky shores, Jacob tossing pebbles into the lake. It was impossible to see the other side in the pea-soup mist, so when they came to a turn in the path, they decided to relax against a nearby tree trunk. The mist slowly danced across the river like grey spirits, clustering around the surface.

Bella smiled. 'I would have been in trouble if I'd bought my summer gear, wouldn't I?' she grinned, and Jacob laughed.

'Yep.' he agreed, and then slowly, his eyebrows knitted together, his eyes bulging.

'Jake? What's wrong?' she asked, reaching out for her boyfriend's hand, clearly concerned.

He pointed with a quavering finger, outlining a shape in the fog. A huge, black shape, swimming idyllically through the water, with a measured pace. Bella gasped, clutching for his jacket, only to discover it was no longer there. Jake had already transformed with the anxiety, and was growling deeply at the disturbing figure. Bella grabbed his fur, but he darted into the water, snarling even louder. His hackles were on end, and his eyes were vicious.

The shape turned at the noise, and headed straight for him, as he snapped his elongated teeth, and let rip an angry bark. Bella expected a showdown, and headed into the forest, trying to hide. All she'd heard about the Loch Ness was nothing about a monster…. Wait! Nessie! Even Jacob had been joking about it earlier! OMG!

As Jacob waded further into the water, and Nessie swam towards him, Bella took out her video camera, ready to make a million bucks.

**Cullen's Point of View**

All stations were in control. As Jasper maintained the hidden camera footage, he chuckled gently at the sight of Edward's creation facing off a lone wolf. Rosalie was yelling into the walkie-talkie, as Edward and Emmet hid amongst the trees for surveillance methods, occasionally giving directions to Carlisle. As he steered N.E.S.S.I.E (Node Exabyte Surveillance System Intelligence Extranet.) through the murky loch, he suddenly realized something. 'Where's Alice?' he asked, and suddenly, everyone paled.

'Oh NO!' Rosalie yelled, and grabbed her walkie-talkie, screaming into it. 'Alice! Not literally! We're not literally INSIDE THE THING!'

**Okay! I have got a LOT of reviews from Jacob-haters yelling at me because Edward's emo (Namely you, scarletblusssh!). So I often crumble under peer pressure (which is precisely NOT what my P.E teachers tell me to do, but what the hell! Rules are to be broken!). I hope this chapter is to your satisfaction, my dear little reviewers/ homicidal Edward fa**


	16. The End Of It All

**Soz guys I haven't updated in soooo long!!! Boring school… meh. This is the FINAL chapter… hope you like.**

The Cullens were panicking, while Alice calmly sat inside N.E.S.S.I.E and heaved a sigh. It was soo boring in here… the deco was tasteless, just flashing lights, dials, speedometers, and other complicated looking stuff. She reached out to twiddle with a suspicious-looking dial, labeled "RELEASE". Unaware of the screams and warnings coming out from the Cullens as they realized what was going on, she pulled the chain coming out of the dial.

At once, the sub lurched to the right, doing a full-frontal somersault, throwing Alice into the cockpit. She screamed, her face planted against the levers, and grabbed something to hold on. Her hand alighted on another lever, and with a firm yank, she twisted herself up, pushing into a narrow viewing area. She curled into a ball, heart (if she had one) hammering, gasping for breath. She propped herself against the wall slowly… and it was then she realized what was really going on.

She hadn't known. She'd thought she was the pilot, so perfectly designed for one it seemed. Rosalie hadn't said it was remote controlled… crap. As Alice peered through the misty windows at the front, designed to seem like slit-pupil monster eyes, she understood what the release button meant. And it wasn't good at all.

**JPOV**

In his wolf sense, Jacob could smell something distinctive coming from the monster, something… oddly sweet. It compelled him, washing around him, almost making him woozy. He shook himself, trying to growl… and it was then the voice started talking to him.

_She loves you, Jake. Smell it, her scent, her beauty, the way she swims, the way she…_HOLD IT!!! I'm saying this about a monster… from Loch Ness? Nessie? _Nessie… what a beautiful name. _Shut up brain!! What the hell is going on here…_Man, she's so pretty… I want her, she's mine, I love her…_

Jacob staggered, his mind aching with the force of the mental battle that his conscience and his…MUSHINESS…. were fighting. Mushiness won. He howled desperately, and tripped. The water in his canine eyes did nothing to stop the insanity, instead provoking the very final of barriers.

_Images flashed before his eyes… him and a pale girl together, laughing, on a date, kissing, hugging, Jacob carrying her while she howled with laughter, begging him to stop… and then it ended._

Jacob looked up into the pixie face of a pale girl with spiky hair, and knew she was his. And then Alice fainted.

**RPOV (Rosalie)**

The Cullens hurried to the scene, after the information from Edward sounded too hard to believe. Jacob… the dog thing's name… had torn Alice out of N.E.S.S.I.E with his claws, and then in his human state, had dragged her up the beach. Ugh, thought Rosalie. The mongrel even touching her… poor Ali. As Jacob bent over her, shaking her gently, Rosalie watched, transfixed with disgust. Alice stirred in her delusion, and Jacob beamed.

Alice's amber eyes opened up, straight into his grinning face. 'You're awake! Thank God!' Jacob crowed, not noticing Alice's confusion.

'Who… who are you? Where am I?' she questioned, completely and utterly bewildered.

Jacob's smile faded. _Amnesia, _he thought. Well, she had hit her head pretty hard. 'I'm Jacob. You're by Loch Ness… You fainted. I got you out, least I could do. Oh yeah… we love each other.' He added that little fact slyly, ignoring the gasps from the vampires behind him.

Alice blinked. 'We…do?'

'Yeah.'

'Okay then. Who are they?'

'Um… they're our enemies. We have to kill them.'

'Okay then.'

Alice sprang to her feet with lightning speed, and launched herself at Edward's head. He screamed like a little girl, running for the hills. The plan had gone wrong, he cursed. CRAP!!!

They'd released the werewolf hormonal scent in order to get the dog away from Bella, and Alice hiding inside had ruined it all. He couldn't do anything to help- she'd lost her memory. As she chased the rest of the Cullens away, murderously screaming, Bella stepped out from behind a tree.

'Well.' She said dryly. 'That was fun.'

**OMG it's all over!! I got the most reviews I've ever gotten… therefore I love you all! *sniffles* never thought I'd see this day… like I never thought I'd see the day where Emmet took happy pills, and look where that went! Poor Alice… ah well, they'll be happy together. U guys all rock!! I love you all!! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!! REVIEW AND I LOVE YOU MORE!! **** so happy… even without my special author pills!! Hehehe!!Elmo, xxxxxxxxxxxxx to all who review!!**


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